I had to write a eulogy eulogizing myself last month for one of my classes at the Mortuary School (I think they prefer being called a “College of Funeral Services” over a mortuary school, but I like mortuary school). Someone asked if I’d posted it here, so I figured I would. I’ll be rewriting it so that it is less “class assignment” and more authentic to who I am and with more details and people in it. I wrote it last minute, so I kept it to three people, and I really wanted to mention several more. One of which has a birthday today (Happy Birthday, Nina!). I plan to record the video sometime in the spring when I’m back on campus and not taking online classes so that I can focus on working more.
Anyway, here it is. I’m just going to copy/paste it.
Remembering Jason Caldwell
28 March 1983 – 24 May 2069
Jason Michael Caldwell
The Eulogy of Jason Caldwell as written by the deceased, Jason Caldwell
Read by the author
Ladies, gentlemen, loved ones, and esteemed punkers, hitchhikers, train-riders, strangers, and heathens of every flavor; we are gathered here today to honor the life of the late and oh so very great, me, Jason Michael Caldwell the first. Father, soldier, luthier, funeral director, author, scientist, and eccentric goofball. So, let me welcome you all to my funeral and/or wake. Feel free to pause this video at any time, but please do so with an appropriate amount of guilt and shame. I am dead, after all. Come on! Smile! That was the perfect amount of funny for a funeral!
Well, now that we have the introduction out of the way, let me say a few things about myself. Born on a Monday in March of 1983 to Denise Kizner and Michael Caldwell, I was what many would call a huge baby. Weighing in at only 8lbs and 3oz, I was just over two foot tall. Why I ended up as short as I did is beyond me, but as a baby, I was a giant. I was also, as my father, so lovingly put it, “The ugliest thing [he’d] ever seen.” He loved talking about how I was handed to him as this ugly mess of a creature and told to take me to another room to be cleaned up, and how he ran while hiding me from our family because he was so embarrassed. That is until I had been cleaned up and no longer looked like a soul-craving demon. That, he says, is when he began beaming with pride and showing off his beautiful baby boy. Now, knowing my father and his love of the dramatic, one would think that this a story he created to make the birth of his first child more entertaining. However, my aunt was five at the time, and after the birth of my son, she said the only thing she remembered from my birth was everyone chasing my father down the hall as he refused to let anyone see me. A fitting entrance if I do say so myself.
Moving forward, we’ve reached the point in which I am supposed to share loving and hilarious anecdotes from my childhood, but I’m going to leave that for my siblings to share with you. Instead, I’m only going to mention my first goal, or dream, if you will – to be a Mad Scientist. From the age of 3 or 4 until I was around 9 and realized people thought it was hilarious that I wanted to be a Mad Scientist, that’s what I swore I’d grow up to become. I was determined to make discoveries and scientific breakthroughs that no one else could. However, once I realized people were laughing at me for it, I started giving a canned answer to be a pro baseball player. Who’d have guessed that science-obsessed kid would grow up to be the crazy scientist he’d always dreamed of becoming? I did it. Or, at least, I’m going to assume that I did it, since I’m writing and reading all of this to you while in my 30s, earning the degrees necessary for said future, and I’m sure you’re all looking back and forth in amazement at me and the no doubt 250-year-old corpse in the casket before you. Or is it a capsule? I’ve no idea what the future holds in that regards, but I hope it involves shooting me into the sun. That’d be great.
But I digress. I always digress. Let us not digress any further and get on with the show, shall we?
Now is the time in which I talk about my accomplishments, my character, and the impact I’ve had on others throughout my life. I’m not going to do that, though. I’d rather this section be a little less goofy (Shocker! I know!) and thank you all for being here. If you’re here, it’s because you loved me or you love someone that loved me, and I am preemptively and eternally grateful for each one of you. Thank you all so very much.
Lori, I love you, and I am so thankful to have had you as my best friend, confidant, concert buddy, business partner, roommate/landlord, and proof that men and women can be close friends without falling for each other. I’ll never be able to express to you just how important you have been to Xekan and me, but I hope I was able to show you while I was alive. Remember, you’re not a cup of tea, you’re a [edited] Jack & Coke.
Kim, I know you’re here, and probably had a little panic attack when you heard your name just now. It’s okay; I’ll keep it short. Thank you for existing. Everything I became, everything I accomplished, and every positive impact I had on the world are thanks to you and the lessons you taught me; namely, how to love and, more importantly, how to be loved. You’re a fantastic human, and the universe is lucky to have you. I love you, and I’m grateful for you.
Xekan. Xekan, Xekan, Xekan. My son, partner in crime, and the greatest being ever to bless any universe with its existence. I love you so damn much, and I am so proud of the person you are and the man I know you will one day become. I won the universal lottery the day you were born. Hell, the Universe one the dimensional lottery the moment you were born. I’ve never known a kinder, more selfless human than you. I cannot wait to see everything you are going to accomplish and the impact you are going to have on the people you encounter throughout your life. I hope I have lived up to the honor it has been to be your father. I love you, Squidmonkey. I love you, infinity plus one.
As for all of my siblings, I hope you all know that there are too many of you for me to start talking about the love I have for each of you. Not even I am long-winded enough for that. Just know that I love you, I am proud and honored to be your brother, and you’d better not forget about the interpretive dance-off you’re having after this funeral. Remember, you promised and you can’t back out now. Especially since everyone here now knows about it. Have fun, good luck, and stay aware of Heather at all times. You all know how she gets in a competition.
I suppose this is as good a place as any to wrap this all up. It has been running a little long, as is my won’t. I hope I was able to bring you all one more smile, one more laugh, and at least one more head-shaking eye roll. Remember, I lived a good life, had more adventures than any single human ever should, survived more than is believable, saw the extremes of humanity on both ends of the spectrum, and in the end, I still found the silver lining in every cloud. Thank you, all of you, for being the amazing people that you are. I could not be more fortunate than I am to have all of you here to celebrate my life together. I love you all, and you’ll see me again when you replay this video.
Now, get up and get out of here. Share your favorite memories and stories of me. Place bets on my dancing siblings (seriously, Heather is the safest bet), and for science sake, laugh a little. Goodbye, goodnight, and don’t forget to tip your Funeral Director.